my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
