if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
