I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
