Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
