Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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