Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
