32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
