im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
