So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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