no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
