I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
