If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
