bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
