I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
