I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
