life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He kissed a someone with a penis
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
