chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
