so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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