you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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