if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
