I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
