Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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