You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
