he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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