Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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