Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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