I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
