I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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