I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
