Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
