I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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