I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
