she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
