i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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