Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
