why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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