Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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