I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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