Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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