We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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