Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
