My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
