i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
