hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
