Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
