The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
