you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
