Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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