Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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