so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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