I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
